Life After
by KJL
Summary: She knew she was disobeying Spencer's instructions, but seriously, Sam wouldn't admit it till she showed, and Carly was too impatient to wait months. Creddie, Spam, and Carly/Spencer sibling-y stuff.
1. Really, God?

**A/N: Just got back from Boston, and God, I love Boston. So as opposed to going to church like I should, I'm going to write another fanfic, because I'm just way too tired to gain any sort of meaning from church. It's an iCarly, obv, and it involves a canon death, so if you can't handle that, you should stop reading now. It'll be multi-chapter and actually semi-deep, and it involves religion and language, and possibly abuse or sex or drugs. That being said, enjoy **_**Life After**_**.

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What gave him the right? What did he think possibly gave him the right to... to leave her and the world and go fly up with the angels? (She couldn't think about the word die, or death.... it didn't fit in her mind right now. Psychological hang-ups and that shit. Or at least that's what her teachers said.)

He couldn't be gone, because he was.... (another side effect, she couldn't say his name in her mind anymore, and it scared the hell out of her because she felt like she was slowly losing him. The only way she could remember him happily was when she looked at his latest sculpture. She thought it was supposed to be a cow, made out of..... what was that stuff called? Clay, right, clay. She needed to get her memory back like desperately.)

She wasn't alone or anything. Oh, God, that'd be unbearable. No, Sam and Freddie were here with her, and Mrs. Benson stopped over once a day or more, to remind her to take her pills and make sure she'd eat something. She and Sam had taken to sleeping next to each other. It was just easier knowing the other was close and Freddie had to go back to his mother at the end of every day, and it just felt better this way. Sam had lost her fiancé, and Carly had lost her brother. They were supposed to be sisters. But then... he... He all of a sudden wasn't there to marry her and Sam had lost the love of her life and she cried right next to Carly most nights. They were already so ridiculously close, and everything just.... she didn't feel like any of it was happening, but....

She was living. She just... wasn't sure what she was doing. But she was alive, and she ate and took her meds and cleaned the non-important parts of the house. She didn't go in his room, or the kitchen, or the living room too much, except when someone dragged her out of the house. She hated having just that door there. She didn't like passing the sculpture every time. It just started to creep her out after a while. And that in itself made her cry, that something he had made, that it freaked her out. She might have to finish it for him. Although... would that ruin the memory? Oh, man, she couldn't think about it. It confused her too much.

But yeah, she was living. They couldn't say she wasn't, it'd be a lie. It was more of an existence than a life though, and she knew it. It was just... well, she was sad. And Spe-and he wasn't there to wake her up in the morning, and she wasn't sure the last time she'd been to school. Probably a couple weeks at least. She thought. School just kinda felt unnecessary. Even though she'd gone there almost her entire life.

She wanted to remember right now. She wanted to think about his name, and go lay on his bed and remember his smell and how he hugged her and made spaghetti tacos, and how he and her best friend Sam were supposed to get married right after Sam graduated....

Holy shit, she was a senior, oh man, this was seriously going to kill her grades and her scholarship to UMASS.

But maybe she didn't have the courage to go to UMASS anyways. She'd lost her comfort zone back here in Seattle, did she really have the guts to travel cross-country?

Just let her say his name, just once, God. Because she still believes in You, she just feels a little skeptical that this is really necessary and the right thing to do to her.

Spencer. Spencer Joseph Shay. She visibly relaxed, saying it out loud. Thanks, God.

It was just.... she really does think this is a little unnecessary. Spencer was her brother, and Sam's fiancé and she just... she missed him.

Freddie was there, and he was trying to be supportive, but she knew she was a pretty shitty girlfriend. She was lucky if she remembered to shower every morning nowadays.

She knew Spencer was up in Heaven, but she wanted him down here.

She spent her days listening to Monster Ballads, that CD off tv. Every Rose Has Its Thorns had become her favorite song, and it was often on repeat for hours. She was good at laying there staring at the ceiling without actually sleeping. Very good.

She was starting to wonder where Sam and Freddie had gotten to, when...

"Psst! Carls?" She sat up, looked around frantically. She'd heard his voice, but that couldn't be because he was... wasn't here. Where the heck was he, and why was he talking?

"Carly! Listen up, kiddo, I don't have much time." She heard him sighing. "Okay, I guess I'm a ghost, staying here to make sure you're okay. Carly, be careful, don't make me watch too hard. And I was supposed to die, Carly. I was. I had..." Shit! He can't leave in the middle of a sentence! Why did he spend so much time explaining he was a ghost??

"Wait, Spencer! You had what??"

But the voice was gone, and she laid back down on her bed and cried, wondering if it was real or if she'd just imagined it.

He'd either come back and visited her, in an admitted limited capacity, orrr she was so desperate to have him back that she'd just like... thought him up. And heard his voice. But he told her it was his time to die, and her conscious mind didn't know that. And didn't fantasies work off just your knowledge?

Her head hurt from all this thinking. She hadn't been really thinking in so long. And it really kinda... wasn't accomplishing anything, and so... she settled back down and turned on 18 and Life. Because Skid row was right, life is soo much easier when the bottle was your best friend.

Even if she hadn't actually tried it. She wanted to, so bad. She knew Spencer drank occasionally, and Sam was.... doing something. And the beer was in the bottom shelf of the fridge, and she decided. She slowly got off her bed, walked into the kitchen, and...

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**A/N: Oooh, cliffy. Carly's questioning her faith a lot in the next chapter or so folks. So again, if you're not into religion, don't read it. I just had this monster laying in my head.... it ate up the plot bunnies, it really was a monster. Please enjoy it for what it is, it's unbeta'd. If you'd like to review, that'd be cool. I know it's hard to get up the energy, but I really really appreciate your comments! And it might give me inspiration faster if you guys gimme some ideas in your reviews? Hint, hint :]**


	2. The Sex Bed?

**A/N: iAm absolutely dying :] because, well, Kesley has an ibuprofen addiction, children, and therefore, ibu doesn't work for me anymore. And that's the problem with getting pissed off and playing soccer for four hours straight and coming home to... you guess it, just ibuprofen. God, I need an iCarly, and I might as well work on my chappie, as opposed to one-shots.

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She poured the beer down the sink, shaking the whole time. She threw away the emergency pack of cigarettes she'd stolen from Sam, back before she quit. She hid all the sharp things.

And she walked back to her bedroom, walked into his room, laid on his pillow, and fell asleep next to Sam. She was content, there was nothing left in the house for her or Sam to hurt herself on and she was proud she'd resisted. Mostly.

The word music started meaning a lot more to her since Spencer's death. Yeah, you see how much she's changed in the last three months? She can think his name and the word death in the same sentence, because she's actually sort of accepted it. Well, she hasn't accepted it exactly, but she knows that Spencer hasn't come back, and that he probably won't, because science has taught her that 99.9% of the population doesn't escape from their box that gets put in the ground.

It does suck, most immensely, and she's very, very confused.

Sam and she have actually moved on a little bit, but they still sleep on his bed every night.

So maybe they haven't moved on that much at all. Who's asking?

She hates how she gets so defensive, and how... well, how much she misses him, and she hates that she didn't spend nearly enough time with him when he was here, but how the hell was she supposed to know he'd DIE? It wasn't in the plan for either of them, he didn't even have a will, although he should've, the amount of stuff he blew up. Or set on fire. Or smashed. You get the picture.

She really did not like God. She didn't like Him when he took away her mom and dad. She didn't like Him when he took away her grand-poppa. She didn't like Him when he took away her Spencer. Simple enough equation.

Except this time, she was starting to wonder if she believed in him. A merciful God... would he really do this? Take away the love of Sam's life, her last living relative, Freddie's confidant, just.. because? What was the damn reason in this???

Oh, but she'd started out talking about the music, hadn't she?

She alternated between music so loud and bass-filled she couldn't think, or the slow sad stuff she could cry to. Mostly the head-banging stuff though, it was easier to not think, to not cry, to not let herself act on any of the random crazy thoughts she had daily.

Because there were a lot of thoughts that she should never, never act on. Because Sam couldn't take it, right? She couldn't possibly take losing her fiancé and best friend in the same couple of months.

Freddie couldn't either. She'd started showering and putting on makeup and doing her hair again. Freddie was happy, she was dealing and everyone was getting to the point of kinda okay-ness.

She was pretending to watch a movie and laying on Freddie's shoulder, only... she wasn't sure what the movie was, and Freddie was whispering to her. And she needed a distraction, so she let him kiss her.

It was really, really nice feeling, it was sensual and then she was just.... getting lost in it, and his hands were kinda rubbing her back in the awesome-est way possible...

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When she woke up the next morning, she was shocked and torn. She looked over at a sleeping Freddie, realized her first time having sex had been on Spencer's bed, of all places, and Sam hadn't come back that night.

Oh, shit.

God, the distraction had made her feel so good though. She'd missed Freddie so much and he'd been begging her for forever, and he'd played the song Heaven Sent by Hinder for her, and he KNEW she loved and couldn't resist that song... and why was she making excuses? Spencer wasn't here to lecture her on sex before marriage, Sam had already done it with Spencer when she's turned 18, and.... well, her own ideals had all kinda crashed and burned, so who gave a shit?

She felt so bad-ass. She almost laughed at herself, for the first time in three weeks. It was a great feeling.

"Hey, you're smiling." Freddie gave her one of his famous simple little smirks and sat up, pulling her closer to him and kissing her. She grinned against his mouth, put her arms around his neck and just enjoyed the moment.

"What the hell are you two doing making out on his bed???" Anddd, cue Samantha Puckett, back right on time as always.

Oh, they were so screwed.

"Seriously, if you two had sex on the same bed we did, I'm gonna be pissed."

"Wait, we were sleeping in your guys' sex bed? Gross, way not to tell me!" Carly made a face.

"Carly, point being?"

"Sorry, Sam." She looked glum.

The fight went out of Sam, which kinda depressed Carly, she'd looked like the old Sam for a couple of seconds and it was reassuring to know the old Sam was still in there. "Did you kids at least use a condom?"

They all laughed, happy to be alive and well and... happy.

"Yes," Freddie answered semi-reluctantly.

"Good. Because babies having babies is not right." Sam smiled.

"Yes, Puckett, we all heard your stupid rap. You put the stupid thing on the show." Freddie rolled his eyes.

"It was not stupid, it was fantastic, if I do say so myself."

"You would be."

"Doing what?" Sam tilted her head, egging him on.

"Saying so yourself."

"God, you two are weird." Carly pulled herself out of Freddie's arms and into the bathroom, letting the two continue their bickering, something they'd just never grown out of, no matter how much they'd grown up.

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"Carly?" Sam called to her from the living room couch.

"Yes, Sam?" Carly stuck her head out from the bathroom door.

"Can we make ham?" Apparently, Sam's ham addiction was back, which immediately made everyone smile.

"Freddie, can you make us ham? I'm still getting ready and I don't know if I can be trusted in the kitchen anyways."

Freddie made a huge show of pretending to be put out, but he agreed sighingly, smiling to himself all the while. Things were finally getting back to normal, and no-one was more happy to see that than Freddie Benson. So he grinned while listening to the shower run and 'Girly Cow' blaring, then moved himself to the kitchen and started making the ham.

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**A/N: I feel the banter may have gotten a little OOC, and maybe the ending in general wasn't quite in charrie, but I tried real hard, and I LOVE the whole "OMG sex bed" part. That was definitely inspired by my brother, and I loved hanging out with him last weekend. (He lives in a different state, it takes like 8 hours to get there) and I enjoyed myself immensely over the last week. Enjoy yourselves, and dont' forget to use a condom, children! and don't get addicted to ibuprofen! this is the outcome!!**


	3. Babies?

**A/N: I'm sorryyy! It's been like... 3 weeks since I last updated or something and I feel terrible!! Okay, I don't really have an excuse except for writer's block and enjoying my summer. Lol I'm so awful.. but onto the chappie!!

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She'd woken up that morning with an idea, contacting Spencer couldn't be that hard, right? He could talk to her, so there had to be some way to get to him...

"Spencer?" She didn't know if it was possible, but if she could just get him to talk once again.... if she could summon him, or whatever... she just needed to know what he was going to say. Or she was going to spend the rest of her life listening to Monster Ballads all day and night and she was never going to get any closure, and...

"Carls?" Oh my God. It had worked. Thank you, God, she totally believed in You, no worries.

"Spence! Okay, no talking – last time we talked you said I had- and then you left. What were you gonna say??"

Ghost Spencer sighed. "I had leukemia, Carly. They told me a while ago but I didn't tell you because I didn't want to ruin prom and all that stuff for you. I told the doctors not to tell you either. I'm sorry, Carls. But it was my time to leave, and it's time for you to get up and start living again. School's important, and dammit, you're getting to UMASS if I have to stay here forever."

She smiled. "I promise to go back to school after break."

"Wait, when are we at right now? Ghosts have different timing than people, and uh... what break is it?"

"Thanksgiving."

"Oh. Okay." He swallowed. "Alright, Carls, so I guess I have to go again, but I love you and I'll be around whenever you need me or call me... just don't abuse it, okay? I don't know how long I'm in this place for."

"I love you too, Spencer."

Spencer gave her a hug, and although she knew ghosts weren't supposed to be solid, she felt the hug.

"I miss you, Carls. Be careful, watch out for Sam for me, will you? She's..." He whispered. "She's pregnant. She found out a couple weeks before I died. Watch her, and wait until she tells you, but take care of her, because you know she won't take care of herself properly, she never did."

"Yes sir." She saluted him and he smiled before disappearing. Next time, she'd ask him about the disappearing thing, it looked pretty sweet.

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"Sam?" Freddie had gone back home and they were just sitting on the couch pretending to watch a random movie.. something sci-fi that Freddie had insisted they watch, even though neither or them cared about sci-fi in the slightest. Carly didn't even know the name of the flick and she figured now was as good a time as any.

"Yeah?"

"I've gotta ask you about some stuff... did you know Spencer had cancer?"

Sam straightened and looked at her. "How'd you find that out?" She relaxed slightly. "Yeah, I knew, but only because he wasn't sure he was going to make it to the wedding and he didn't want me to be shocked."

"I found out.. because he came and told me. I dunno how to describe it, I'd say it was a dream but I didn't know anything he told me before so... maybe miracles do happen?"

"Maybe. What else did he tell you?" Sam looked anxious.

"He told me you're pregnant." She knew she was disobeying Spencer's instructions, but seriously, Sam wouldn't admit it till she showed, and Carly was too impatient to wait months. She just needed to know, and she wanted to know now. And if she confronted Sam, Sam would tell her.

"Shit, I should've known he'd tell you that." Sam winced. "Alright, so now you know. That doesn't change anything, I'm still dealing with this my own way."

"As long as you stay healthy and go to the doctor's when they tell you too, I'm not planning on forcing you to do anything."

"Thanks, Carls." Sam gave her a small smile. "I know I should've told you before, but it was like... ya know, I just turned legal six months ago, and... it's so hard."

And Sam, strongest of them all, finally succumbed to tears. Carly gave her a hug, not letting go of her till her sobs started to abate.

"I bet he or she looks like Spencer." Carly said timidly, after the sniffles had mostly stopped.

"I'm hoping. I want a boy. If it is, it's going to be named Joseph Fredrick Shay. And if it's a girl, her name is going to be Josephine Caroline Shay."

Carly smiled. "Thanks, Sam. We'll take good care of our name sakes, I promise."

"Thanks. So when do you wanna go shopping?" Sam actually enjoyed shopping, for all she professed to hate dressing up.

"No time like the present... or at least the tomorrow."

"That is a ridiculously lame cliché."

"I know, I'm sorry for using it now." The girls both laughed.

"Well, after all this heartfelt talking and crying, I'm pretty sleepy. You ready to turn off the tv and go to bed?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"I can't believe you and Freddie had sex on that bed last night. I should've washed the sheets, it's probably unclean."

"Ha ha ha. They're prolly cleaner than they started, you know Freddie's anti-bacterial thing. And you two did the same thing many times over, so shush."

"Nahh. Where's the fun in that?" Sam smiled. She got into bed and under the covers. "Hey Carls?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks. For caring."

Carly smiled. "No problem. Night, sis!"

"Night!"

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"...Hey, Carls?"

"What, Sam?"

"Did you guys seriously use a condom?"

"Seriously? I don't remember. But it was my first time, so I'm pretty sure it's safe, right?"

"Uhm, yeah, right."

"Sam!"

"Well, I don't know, Carly! I mean, it didn't happen the first time for me, but I don't know about anyone else!"

"I'm so screwed."

"Not necessarily. Just quit thinking about it, I'm sorry for bringing it up."

"Well... Freddie's been prepared to be a dad his whole life, so I guess I'm okay if I am."

"Yeah. Good for you." And Carly could've smacked herself as she realized Sam was going to be a single mother. Way to go, another amazing eff-up by Carly Shay.

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**A/N: So maybe I was a little bit mean in this chapter.. Idk. You decide, I'm in a really weird place ****lately. My mom was in the hospital last week and I'm so confuzzled by guys and life... continue reviewing, please please please!**


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